HERE’S A REMINDER

Dear diary,
its been almost 2 years now since i have not connected with you. i was preoccupied with what ifs and what not. i had stacked you along with the 10 others.but you are the only one that i bought and did not have the strength to share my thoughts with. i miss writing. i went back in time today. found my 5th grade you. it had my 5th grade me. i read , smiled and laughed at the most random-est things. like the parts where we played pranks to the part where i was late for class. from the show and tell, to the singing competitions. a reel played before my eyes.

i miss how it all used to be you and me. only. no one to interfere. no one to give a verdict about how it was wrong or right. when did i become this public? i do not know. but i miss my privacy.

the black spiral caught my eye then.the three years of my life that turned my world up side down. i learned a lot. i read all that i had told you.flashbacks  from the fights i had back to the confusions and those solutions. that 8th grade me was such a prissy. she  Always knew her way. careless and a drifter.not a bit concerned where life would take her. i turned the leaves of the spiral and a sense of emptiness approached. where was that  me now? maybe she grew up or out grew her self. what ever the case was she was being missed by me.

then came the black pocket book. it had the most surreal of all the memories.From the first day of school to the last day of school. it had a memory of all those that i rarely even talk to now. a glimpse into that teared me up. i miss how we all used to be US. not what we now are. i miss those days when during a heavy rain we all would go out racing to the cafeteria. a simple change of school and we all drifted away. or maybe it was just me, i had always been an introvert.selectively social.

an evolution from the 5th grade me to the 8th grade gangster to an introvert me. to this me. a mysterious mix of an introvert and and extrovert. a pessimist and and optimist.to a very observant 18 year old. who like to be confined to her own things. strictly follows the the formula of  “the less people you chill with the less crap you deal with”

My dear diary, you never got a record of this me. i never wrote it down. maybe because i was not proud of this me. or maybe this me was a bit too much for even me to handle. but ill tell you today. i’ll write it down on the brown diary. i will tell you all about how and when and why did that me become into someone like this me.it might take a few rewrites but cope with me, will you?  i have been out of practice of expressions.

P.S : cope with yourself. give yourself time. make you realize who you are. even if you know you’re hard.cause you are only as good as your strength of you having yourself together.
AND for those who invade other peoples privacy, you might just be creating a mess for your life here and after. there is no point in any of it. do something with your life. “life is short. cease the day, do something new, each day”

#Aa**a* 

 

 

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To Save A Heart_ 

2017. 

Half of it is gone-half of it remains-what have we achieved?! 

At 00:10 am she sits near the Window;closed;staring out in the sky-thinking about all the decisions that built her up. 

That was a positive approach, seemingly-thinking about the positives in life-or was it? 

At the age of 12 she realized only u are ur own savior-at 13 she had a phase-at 14 she realized she was too much to handel-at 15 she tried to let go, care less, cut off, think none-16 was the age she found out she was being selfish and she shut down

17 – no! shutting down isn’t the answer-now a days we find it easy to pretend than to portray our truth-caring less about those that matter to u, pretending to b cool by using foul language, talking nothing but trash

why do we find pretend our only escape? Why do we wanna escape? How can we be satisfied with ourselves knowing we are not what we show people we are. the definition of Cool is very messed up_I’ve observed. 

Caring less, so you wdnt get hurt-being dishonest, just to keep someones heart-lying, in order to save them frm knowning the truth that they should know_only to save a heart-saying u dnt need people, only not to let people know u care

I wonder when and how we all became this damaged.it’s not cool or attractive not to care-to be dishonest dnt portray u nice-lying doesn’t make u kind-having a grudge dznt make u forgiving-pushing People away won’t make them need u-all of this is what fools do-cool isn’t what we think it is.

SomeTimes in life we need to experience things in order to understand, that’s what I believe..

Sometimes its good to tell ppl how they made u feel-good or bad 

Sometimes time demands us to be brutally honest-to save the ones we care about.

At times u have this pressing urge to be someone’s saviour-to help them-but u can’t find the strength to lend a hand only out of the fear of getting hurt.

But what if, u had lent a hand to that someone-u would have saved a heart, made it believe in the good of this world-if we all stop doing good to others out of the fear of getting hurt-how will anyone be there for the other? How will we survive? 

What if that day-if u had been honest to them you would have saved them frm the fears they now have because of that? 

And what if, u had never had that phase in ur life would have u been this mature? Would have u understood life the way u understand it now? 

would have anyone of us had our reasons to be kind and forgiving if ppl hadn’t been kind to us? If they haven’t forgiven us? 

If u hadn’t realized that you were too much to Handel would have u handled others with care? Do u think you would have been able to understand others if u had never gone through the phase of self realization first? 

To save a heart you need to care-u need to be honest. To Save a heart u need not to let go-u need to live with-to save a heart you need to understand-to express positives and negatives-to save a heart-be it yours or other’s-u need to do all that is in ur might. 

And most importantly to save a heart u need to experience,understand, listen, learn and forgive 

To save a heart u need not to lie rather to help them realize the truth-to save a heart_u need to begin with u!

PS: if u have a heart-u are going to experience a little heartache now and then_it’s call life!  

#Aa**a*

Cause HE is “HE” 

Remember those words u said, 

Well they’re killing me now,

But I won’t put up a fight,

I wnt even make a sound.
It’s like iv been faking,

From then till now,im aching

All I think about is WHY?

All I wanna know is HOW?
I remember everything u said,

And I haven’t even written them down,

I promise I won’t put up a fight,

I promise I won’t make a sound.
Cutting people out, with choice

Slitting their throats with words,

Choking them to death,

That’s how you’v made me hurt.
All I’m really wanting now,

Is closing these eyes, for once

because everything seems so wrong,

Everyone is here to hurt. 
Do u remember how those rumours spread? 

My world went tumbling down,

I couldn’t even put up a fight,

See? I ddnt even make a sound.
Sometimes it’s all too much,

There’s just enough I can take,

And I know you wouldn’t stop me,

You won’t even ask me to stay. 
I wonder how my story ends,

But I do know it’s ending soon,

Because all the chapters are done,

And my light is fading too…..


She finished as she sat there infront of the mirror,surprised by the racing tears on her cheeks-this mind of her wanted to rest, even if it was for a while tho she wouldn’t have minded if it rested for eternity-she closed her eyes, allowing her long thick lashes to squeeze all the tears out-she wanted to start over-NEW, somewhere no1 would know her-someplace where people were less judgemental-where nothing like pain existed-where it was peace,where the birds would wake her up instead of her fears-where the sunshine lit her face up instead of forcing her to put shades on-where “GENTEL” was everyones middle name-where she could feel loved, needed and important. 

Something like the wind forced her to open her eyes with those long thick;now dry; lashes-there was nothing there but a presence could be felt-like a warm hug from someone who cares about you, the most-and then the words of a very dear person disturbed her observations-U CAN ALWAYS START OVER WITH GOD,AGAIN and AGAIN-CZ HE UNDERSTANDS-nd HE WILL LEAD U VERY CAREFULLY-only u need to believe-Looking around,seeing no1 she closes her eyes allowing her lashes to rest-but this time in peace-realizing that that voice was aairah, the aairah she lost in the past few years, the aairah she longed to find again-“tears” were something new to her, she wdnt cry before, but now she would because she made a realization that these emotions of her’s was what made her,being only human-she cried like never before,wasn’t sure why she was crying she looked at her self in the mirror nd those sobs now lit up her eyes as she smiled-and she decided to start over-knowing she’s found aairah-the most important to her-whom she couldn’t live without-a new start,not a fresh tho-same people, same country, same city-everything was same-but not  her-A new start with God-cause he is HE and he never lets down ! 

PS: God loves u-its ok to take ur sinful faces infront of him,he understands,always!  

#Aa**a* 

HOW WOULD I KNOW…

Ever felt tired of thoughts? This mind of yours that just doesn’t stop racing-won’t make peace wd the heart? Or maybe it’s the heart that won’t make peace with with the mind Or maybe it’s the society we live in, that won’t allow to make peace with one’s self ? 

This racing heart and chaotic minds of ours are a blessing-she said.Why?-she questions her statemstatement-Why?- she repeats. Amused by her own questions she tries to talk to her heart-Hey heart, Why did I just say what I just said? The mind likes it when u suffer-the heart replied. Distrusting what the heart said she tries to ask the mind-Hey mind, what did I just said what I just said? The heart likes it when this chaos keeps u awake at night-  mind replies. Confused and betrayed she lowers into her chaos-like how the missing heartbeats and the scared thought lowered her into something unexplainable. 

It’s amazing how u are ur own inspiration-a friend’s voice said. Not being able to explain how horrifying that felt, she could only manage to smile-and once again that smile of her’s was there to rescue her. That smile she questions now-Who is she fooling? Her self? Or others? Then another argument rises – Just because u have been betrayed by ur heart nd mind doesn’t mean you start fooling yourself? It’s that the only way out? But why do I wanna get out?-even more stunned by her thoughts she lays in her bed starting at the ceiling-BLANK-so many questions-not one answer-WHY!? Frustratingly she tosses nd turns on her sides-Why not?maybe fooling yourself is better than these mixed unclear hazzy blues-she assumes nd then stop-holds her thoughts-ASSUMPTIONS-she smiles knowing she found her disease! 

Though she hasn’t figured out all the answer but she has identified her symptoms nd diagnosed her disease-And now she could breath-knowing she hasn’t lost the battle she’d been struggling to survive!  

Say what u wanna say-pour your thoughts out,clear ur mind,search for answers-dnt assume answers like she did, what if her heart nd mind didn’t betray her? What if all they did was teach her that she needs to b strong enough to  trust her philosophies?

 Her thoughts are chaotic because she’s gifted-because she CAN think and what if she’s proud to be her own inspiration!? NOW THAT’S SOMETHING 

PS: think,question and search-dnt assume answers-there is always space for what ifs nd maybies-dnt stamp ur thoughts-inspire-explore urslf-most importantly dnt run away frm situations-face them.

Mark my wordsevery problem is a beginning of a new journey of self exploration and that leads to wonders-strengths u never knew u had-portray ur best picture in ur mind nd that’s how the world wd see you!  

#Aa**a*  

AS I SAID BEFORE…

Depression,stress,anxiety,confusion,chaos…heartbreak 

Have u ever experienced the type of anger that suffocates u? Not being able to express how mad u are? It tires u…ever been the kind of hurt that u dnt know how or why…but you are hurt? it deprives u of sleep…Ever experienced the bond breaking between someone very dear to you…the kind in which you dnt have the slightest clue why? It dznt let u drown or swim….Ever been so confused that you are willing to do anything to get ur answers even if it brings torturer? It’s all just Sad!  

Every gained anything that u ddnt want? Like the chaos in ur thoughts?  ever lost smthing that u ddnt wanna lose..like the peace of mind? Ever wandered to find smthing? Like the love u give to others? Ever Been chased by a feeling that aspires to kill u? Like falling in love? Ever made a prayer that u ddnt wanna make? Like learning to move on? 

Y do we do, what we do to others if we ain’t ready to bear it ourself?  Morally corrupted, physically sick, mentality ill, verbally foul- seemingly amazing- that’s who we all have become!  

Like I said it’s all just Sad- realising who were are becoming but that’s all we do- realise our mistakes-nothing more, nothing less…we realise nd start the same game over with someone else – letting the other one know they got more than what they deserve – unbelievably pathetic 

Do u know what happens when ur utopia fails u? U die 

But again ; to lose all my senses, that is just so typically ME!  

PS : it’s about time we give thoughts to our realizations , isn’t it? 

#Aa**a*

REASONS TO BELIEVE..

Life is like the tounge…providing different flavours, it’s not a race-it’s a journey_a Journey which builds u up and keeps breaking you down simultaneously-it’s never too much of what we can withstand but nor does it provide leverage-but what it does provide us are with the reasons to believe,in certain situations,certain things,certain ppl,certain kinds of happening!  Life as I know it seems unreasonable- it wants us to adjust wd it rather than allowing us to let the others adjust wd us…Ppl aren’t always what you thought they’d b…but then again life holds u responsible for expecting too much from them…Men aren’t loyal…then again it’s our fault who thought that mayb our one wd b different-women ain’t patient_then again we are wrong to demand it from them…kids tell lies-we shouldn’t expect them not to. 

Life provides us answers…our own reasons to believe in certain things…mayb ppl aren’t what we believed them to be because what we believe doesn’t exist in the real world? Mayb the one who believes that men ain’t loyal has had a disloyal father? Husband?brother? Life created her reasons to believe so…those who ended up believing that women aren’t patient had had an impatient mother? Wife?sister? What if kids tell lies because they are afraid of what might happen if the truth had been out…Life is like scramble…the way one sees a word might b forming a sentence for the other one…it sometimes scares me how good people are at playing this game we call life…nd how scary their moves might seem to the other giving him a reason to believe in things that may b otherwise… 

PS: men aren’t loyal_women are impatient_kids do lie-to all life has provided a reason to believe…but if u find my words harsh try not to b a disloyal man_an impatient women_nd a lying kid 

#Aa**a*

DE-CLUTTERING IN LIFE 

People say time will heal you, all the pain wd fade away, give things time, dnt rush, take it easy, dnt think abt it…they give many reasons, many advises…I believe decluttering is important..! Someone u care abt talks shit about u? Leave…certain people keep bringing u down? Cut them off…dnt allow urslf to b disrespected…dnt stick around because uv got nowhere to go…time will only heal you if u allow it to..if u allow urslf to !  

The world isn’t all doom nd gloom…its also rainbows nd butterflies…fantasizing, imaging, assuming,expectations they bring u down…people nowadays try to fit in…WHY? WHY FIT IN WHEN U WERE BORN AN INDIVIDUAL? WHY NOT MAKE UR OWN WORLD? not the one made by fantasizing, imagining, assuming or expecting…! The one made by UR CHOICES…chose who should b in ur circle of positivity…chose people who love without expecting, chose people who lift you up, who show u the bright side during the storm, chose people who chose u! 

People may not always agree wd you,thats ok..right? How wd u grow if not dwelling wd other opinions? there is no guarantee that this life is easy…never will be ! Make choices that help u, decuttler people who keep u down..cut them off, I’m sure it wd hurt at first but once u Learn how to do that…no1 cd bring u down…

BUT be diplomatic in ur dealings, be polite, be as nice as u can, try to b kind nd humble. THE HUMBLED U ARE THE LIGHTER YOU’LL FEEL, THE HIGHER YOU’LL GO- it’s ok to cut people off for ur own survival, dnt worry abt them they wd find sm1 else to ruin…save ur self before it’s too late…
PS: if u wanna win this game called life…stop listening to ur heart when making choices…its gonna hurt at first I can promise that but I can also promise it’ll b worth it 

#Aa**a*

TRY TO LISTEN FIRST…

  • Every time one of us speaks the other instead of listening him all speaks, tries to respond, have any of u ever tried to just listen? Listen to what the other has to say? Listen all of it? Let them reach the end of their talk? NO!  We, people of this generation, won’t listen, won’t TRY to understand but we love to judge though. We wanna have the first nd the last word, everytime, we want to be the first to give our opinion on sm1, it makes us feel superior- ever thought about how the other one feels when u, instead of listening them out, start judging. Start giving ur opinions, sometimes ppl need others to listen to them, only that to get them through the day, sometimes a heart to understand, a silence giving a comforting response- every year we start by making resolutions-I wish to c a time when ppl make moral resolutions aswell #Aa**a*